Last week I talked about the difference between being nice and being kind and shared how being nice is really a trap. If you missed that email, you can find it here.

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A big symptom of niceness is discomfort saying "no," even when you know it's what you should and truly want to do.

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Let's face it, we've all had occasion to experience that dreaded situation when a friend, colleague, family member, client, or acquaintance makes us feel obligated to say "yes" to something we'd rather not.

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But is there really a good way to say "no" so you’re not endlessly apologizing, feeling horribly guilty, owing someone a huge favor down the road, putting yourself at a significant personal or professional disadvantage, alienating people, or simply in the doghouse?

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The truthful answer is: It depends.

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Some people will always take a "no," no matter how gracious, as a personal rejection, and there is honestly nothing you can do about that.

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For the vast majority of people and situations, however, there are ways to take the edge off your "no" that actually serve both your needs and theirs.

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Here are some tips for developing your "no" abilities:

• Consider what's behind your "no." Is there a way to explain your reason without making it about the other person? Focus on the issue for you, i.e., your capacity, availability, etc.
  ​Be careful not to leave the door open to negotiation, i.e., "Ok, I'll just wait until you're free."
• Is there something else you are willing to do instead? I will often offer people an alternative way to help them that is less onerous and time-consuming for me but that also supports their needs.
  ​This is probably the most gracious way to say "no" because it's really saying, "Not that, but this."
• When someone asks you to do something for free that you get paid to do for others, often you simply need to educate or remind them about that fact.
  • You can also offer them a discount, but make sure they understand the full value of what you're doing.
    • If they still can't afford you, suggest a barter or trade. Is there something they can do for you personally or professionally or for someone in your life you care about that's of equal value to you?
  • If you'd really rather not work with them, then find someone to refer them to and explain that you would rather not mix business with friendship, family, etc.
• Most importantly, frame your response as if you are saying "no" to yourself — what message would be gracious and kind if you received it in response to a similar request of your own?

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One thing you absolutely shouldn't do is simply ignore the request because you're uncomfortable saying "no."

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It's far kinder to say "no" than to say nothing.

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Plus, you never know when you'll be on the other end of that ask. Wouldn't you rather receive a gracious "no" than radio silence in return?

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The thing to remember is that a "no" done well actually earns you respect and gratitude.

Whereas, a non-response or obligatory "yes" can breed resentment and hurt feelings, and even damage relationships.

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Until next time, Reader, say "yes" to yourself by learning to say "no."

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